, , ,

So, I think I’ve done an excellent job of putting this topic off for as long as humanly possible. Truth is, what can you say? Everyone goes through it and it’s equally as interesting. What can I impart on you regarding the single most ridiculous thing I’ve had to do in my twenty something years (well maybe not the only ridiculous thing – but it’s up there). No matter how you slice it, dating sucks. Now I’m not saying it can’t be exciting, maybe fun and leave you with some great stories because it does. However, I have found that in the almost year that I’ve been “out in the field” it takes a really long time to find someone that gives you the warm and fuzzies you may have once had. At first I thought, “Crap, am I just insanely picky?” and even “Ugh, maybe my ex was just so amazing that I can’t find anyone to compare!” (NEVER true – kid was great don’t get me wrong but that’s dramatic. There’s a reason it didn’t work out in the first place, and that bottom line doesn’t change). So below find the different methods and a few stories, more to come I’m sure – make sure to ask Lans about the Celtics game with a convict. We have yet to find a story that tops that.

Dating Friends

This one is tricky. There’s always flirty tendencies between guys and girls within friendships or otherwise, but choosing to act on that can go great or horribly wrong. I’ve had both. So back in college one of my close friends had been in a long term relationship much like me and we bonded over that, not to mention he wasn’t half bad to look at. Most of our friends were out on the prowl at the bar so it was nice to have a guy to hang out with and not have to worry about hitting on you and in essence act as your pseudo boyfriend (Topic for another day – work and separate city boyfriends. Sounds kind of promiscuous, but isn’t). Well fast forward and we both ended up single around the exact same time (which back then I thought was a sign – not a thing). He’s wonderful on paper; very smart, handsome, active, great sense of humor, can read me like a book, and the list goes on. Turns out when you flip the switch from friends to dating, things change quickly. My good friend who I could tell anything to was trying way too hard to get my attention and reel me in. Friends that were mutual before were all of a sudden objects of jealousy. Things were awkward when it came to being close in the matter of holding hands or coupley stuff. Things had to be extravagant when we went out, almost like putting on a show. Needless to say it didn’t work out, he wasn’t please, and unfortunately we don’t talk anymore. Note to self: maybe not the best idea (Though it’s worked out for me in the past – actually, since they ended, maybe it hasn’t).

Dating First Timers

I tried to figure out a good term for someone you meet either through a friend, out at night, or through your general path of the day and could only come up with “first timers” (hitting that 3pm feeling right about now – creativity is at an all time low). So these ones I found are better, because there’s never a lack of things to talk about. You meet through friends or out, hit it off; you know nothing about each other and literally can bring up any topic so long as they are a decent conversationalist. The worst case scenario I’ve seen on this is what I call “the sales pitch,” which I guess is kind of the point in dating but this is to another extreme. Basically you feel like you’re getting preached at by a consulting company (since I am a consultant, go figure this is how I see things). For example: Problem: You’re single; Solution/Action Plan: Date me; Benefits: I’m awesome because.. The perks of dating me are.. I spoil my girlfriends by.. If you’re around in a couple months I’ll take you.. Next year when you come over for Christmas with my family we can.. andddddd check please (I cannot tell a lie, this actually happened to me and it was the longest lunch of my life).  Guys, please I am begging you do not preach AT me on a date. I get preached at all day at work, I preach at people all day at work, I don’t want to listen to myself try to pitch a project let alone have you try to pitch one to me. My favourite topic of that lunch was his catch phrase had something to do with “understanding his worth.” Again, can’t make this shit up.

I always tend to run into the problem of too much too soon. So I don’t know if I’m a special case or what, but slow and steady wins the race for me. I don’t need you blowing up my phone, wondering what I’m doing, or getting moody about me having other plans or not being around. I’m a busy kid, I have shit to do and I don’t stay still often. Chances are I don’t want to sit around the apt and “just chill.” Yes I’m going to see my friends; yes I plan things way in advance and tend to travel a lot. No I won’t chase you around, I don’t put up with games, and I’m not going to sit around and watch the clock for half an hour after you text me to make it seem like I’m busy or to make you sweat it out. If I like you, it’s obvious. If I have time, I’ll spend it with you. I’m not going to bullshit you or hold your hand, I’m straightforward about pretty much anything and I won’t lie to you if it’s not working out. If I want to talk to you, I’m going to text you (if you’re lucky, call you – but I hate talking on the phone and am quite possibly the MOST awkward person EVER using that mode of communication). Plain and simple. Or so I thought.


Alright, our generation can’t do anything themselves these days. Everything is run by technology, even dating apparently. So I was 150% against this. No way in heck was I going to create a profile with my statistics, write a blurb about me and what Im looking for like a wanted add, and “shop” through other profiles to find people to virtually wink at and start a conversation with. Well it only took one glass of wine (or maybe just a Hershey kiss – but the wine at least paints a picture of defencelessness) for me to be coaxed into making a profile. So it’s been three weeks and I have to say much like a new toy, it definitely took up a lot of my time. Interesting to talk to new people and hilarious to see what some people come up with to try and get you on the hook. What I’ve learned – I attract a plethora of ethnicities (thank you Crossfit for increasing the size of my rear end – I can only assume that is my main selling point there) and much older men with a few ex wives or baby mamas. I have nothing against the latter, just not particularly what I’m looking for. Please find my favorite profile below – yes this is real, no I can’t make this shit up, and yes he did email me looking to “connect on a deeper level”:

“I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if my face is a little puffy I’ll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion. There’s an idea I have towards myself: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel my flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable I simply am not there.”

All I can say – to each his own. Needless to say I think I will be closing the book on online dating very soon, like now.

Well, I have a plethora of stories in the bank for a later date. I know Lans can’t wait to tag onto this and share her side of things as it’s equally as entertaining. Hope you at least got a little chuckle, or feel less awful about the ridiculous date you had last week or last month.